I'm not sure where to begin. I think it has been two months since my last blog post. They have been two of the busiest months of my life. I've thought about posting a blog from time to time. But when it came down to it I decided to get to it when I had some time. I had considered blogging about being tired and busy. Well, I suppose I have time now.
The interesting thing about being tired - and I mean constantly tired - is that the world can often seem like a much different place. I can seem like a different person; and not the person I would like to be. At times my patience was lacking. My interest or care in things would falter. I often found myself crying at things that would not normally induce such a reaction. I was emotional at times (not necessarily a bad thing, just different). Some days there was a weight that would travel with me. It seemed to be with me when I woke up in the dark of the early morning and would visit and revisit me throughout the day that followed. But the funny thing was that these last two months have not been a bad time, not a negative experience at all. Sure I think I aged about two years during that time. But even with all those dark clouds of weariness and (seemingly) overwhelming struggle, I could see bright rays of glorious sunlight peeking through. So many times as I struggled to keep going with my tasks I stopped and realized how overjoyed I was to be where I was. I was about to finish and defend my Grad thesis on a topic which stirred both my mind and soul. I had the privilege of being married to a incredible and loving woman. Each morning when I awoke feeling tired and wishing for the day to be over so that I could get more sleep, I realized how great it was to kiss that sleeping woman beside me good bye each day. Perhaps more than this, though, I knew that there is something intrinsically noble and worthwhile about struggling for things that matter. I know that the only way to reach the top of a mountain is to hike up it one step at a time. It's not a glamorous thing, the struggle, but you can't get anywhere without it.
Here I am now with my Grad thesis defended. It was a strange feeling after I had finished and received my grade. I think to some extent I was in shock. On Friday, the culmination of my seven years of study at Trinity Western University finally arrived. I can barely remember a time before I was a student there. I met my beautiful wife there. My life has changed in so many ways over the past seven years - especially over the past three of grad studies (and marriage). I'm not the same person I was when I entered university.
I'm going to be a father in roughly ten weeks... I don't think I can yet comprehend what the reality of that will look like. I watch my dear wife grow each week and I wonder what this child will be like. It's a terrifying and supremely exciting mystery. I've been looking forward to starting a family with my wife since before she was my wife. I've learned so much about myself and about life from traveling this road with her for the past three years. How much more will I learn and grow as we raise a child (children, God willing) together. The Christian perspective on marriage is that it is a sacrament, a means of God's grace to transform the lives of those involved. I believe it. Marriage is meant to be a lesson in divine love. I once gave a good friend my thoughts on marriage and divine love as a wedding gift to him and his new bride:
I wish you both all the best that life has to offer: laughter, joy, simple pleasures, moments of grace. I wish for you two a long life life together filled with love – a divine love, one which is focused on the other, which is self-giving, ever-growing, ever-expanding, procreative, and inclusive. A love which drinks deep from Him who in His very being is love incarnate. May your love be an example, may it be revelatory, may it ever be a source of healing and renewal, may it be your guide.
This is the type of marriage that I wish to be a part of. I do feel that this is the type of marriage that I have been so blessed to share in. That being said, our love has grown to include a new little one. I'm so very excited to teach him or her about the world, about God's great creation, about divine love. I'm also so very excited to learn with (and maybe from) this little one about these things. Oh the adventure that awaits those who are willing to live.
The other day I was listening to this song:
Some of the lyrics suddenly stood out to me and I became overwhelmed with emotion (joy, gratitude).
I'm 33 for a momentHere I am thirty-three years old. And these lyrics sum it up pretty well for me. I've often enjoyed listening to this song. It seems to elicit in me the realization of just how ephemeral this existence is, how short our days are in this life. Sometimes it seems like yesterday that my dear wife and I were heading off on our honeymoon. Three years have flown by and we are about to have a family. I can only imagine that I'll barely blink before our firstborn is off to school and learning and growing into an adult. Will we be so blessed as to see our children have children one day? Yes, the days are long, but the years are indeed short.
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way, babe
A family on my mind
A couple friends of ours were married just yesterday. I gave them each the advice to take a moment every now and again on their wedding day to stop, look around, and enjoy the day. I told them that your wedding day will be busy, fun, and it will fly by in the blink of an eye. It occurred to me this morning that life is quite similar. I shall have to remember to take a moment every now and again to marvel at the beauty and splendor of life. I shall have to pause to soak in all the love that I am surrounded with. I shall have to stop and give thanks.
It takes bravery to embrace life. To live unafraid, to live with love. I pray that I may be so bold as to love and be loved in return. I pray that I may teach and learn from and grow with those around me. I pray for my new role as a father. I pray for my continued role as a husband. I pray for my actions and words as I go about life being a son, a brother, a friend, a mentor, a student. I pray... that I may live as I ought, that I may live in love.
Gloria Deo
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