Watching the News: seeking some clarification...

Let us speak plainly here: a suicide bomber can never be a martyr. The difference between the two is not one of mere perspective or semantics. The difference amounts to a infinite chasm which can never be bridged. They are quite simply polar opposites.

Speaking of the martyr's courage, G.K. Chesterton writes: "He must seek his life in a spirit of furious indifference to it; he must desire life like water and yet drink death like wine."

Here lies the difference: the difference between death and life. The martyr has a sacred disdain for death - the suicide bomber has a profane disdain for life. And though they both die, only the martyr finds life, only the suicide bomber finds death.

For God's sake (I say this with all sincerity, not as a mere expression) let's not taint the blessed name of the martyr by using it to describe the murderer.

A Moonlit Night: paene somnium

With the change in weather this is the first evening in a while where I cannot enjoy that bright shimmering crescent hanging in the clear night sky. I've enjoyed taking in the radiant brilliance of the moon and the shining stars filling the night (or at least filling as much as they are able here in the city). There's something about the moon that seems magical and mysterious. There's something about it that seems other, almost transcendent. When I see it as bright and majestic as it has been in the past few nights it inspires in me a feeling of awe. It really does seem magical.

Wolves howl at the moon and the ancient pagans worshiped it. Both knew how to properly respond to the nocturnal magic of that silver-white orb. Okay, maybe the pagans went wrong in misdirecting their worship towards the orb itself rather than the One who holds it there and makes it to shine, but nonetheless, they knew enough to respond in worship and praise. Even the wolves know enough to sing in response.

The last couple nights, I must admit that as my gaze was drawn upwards to the moon, my soul was likewise drawn up; and like the wolf it howled, like the pagan it worshiped.

A sunny day: such a simple pleasure...

There's nothing quite like that feeling. The ambient warmth, soaking into the body and massaging away all stress and worry. With closed eyes, and face turned skyward, the eyelids are unable to hold back the bright and joyful orange which fills the vision. An involuntary smile spreads across the face.

What a simple pleasure the sun can be. What a gift.

Gloria Deo...

Lent Begins: Domine, miserere

"Remember, man is dust, and to dust you shall return"

These are the words with which we are invited into the Lenten season on Ash Wednesday. It is a season of preparation, a season of prayer, fasting, alms, and repentance in expectation of Easter. For the forty days prior to Easter (not including Sundays, of course) Christians focus on the various spiritual disciplines through which we order our lives towards Christ.

Lent is one of my favourite seasons in the Liturgical calendar. Lent is a much need realignment of the self towards our proper focus, God. Every year, as Lent progresses, I increasingly realize how much I desperately need this realignment, this refocusing.

This year, perhaps more than most, I am noticing how difficult it is to participate in the Christian practices of Lent within the framework of our culture.

Come what may, these forty days, I shall follow Jesus into the desert; and there kneeled before him I shall pray, Domine, miserere - Lord have mercy.

"Precious"

Last night my dear wife and I went for a date to the movies. We had received some movie passes for Christmas (which include a 'medium combo') and headed for the local theatre, the 'Clova'.

Throughout the first movie we saw, the entire movie, I had this feeling in my chest. I'm not sure how to describe it, a pain? a pressure? It was an exhausting experience, emotionally and physically. There are some things that happen in this world that I simply cannot fathom; they are so far beyond my realm of experience that it's difficult to even conceive of them. Man, in the face of some things, there are few words available.

Panis et circenses...

… Already long ago, from when we sold our vote to no man, the People have abdicated our duties; for the People who once upon a time handed out military command, high civil office, legions — everything, now restrains itself and anxiously hopes for just two things: bread and circuses. (Juvenal)

Juvenal wrote these words some nineteen centuries ago. He was addressing the social changes that he perceived as a decline in the Roman culture of his age. To his thinking, interest in the welfare of the state had been exchanged for the more base endeavours. The thinking of the political powers of his day was that if they could provide sufficient food and entertainment the people would be indifferent to who was in power and what they were doing.

Sometimes I wonder if much has changed. It seems to me that dominant needs of our society revolve around our stomachs and our eyes. Instead of the circus with its chariot races and gladiatorial battles we have our movie theatres and sporting events (UFC?). We have our flat-screen televisions, and our laptop computers, our blackberries, iPhones and iPods. I'm not suggesting that any of these things are intrinsically wrong, but I do think we have reason to pause when our biggest concern becomes where we are going out for dinner or when the latest Apple gadget is coming out (iPad anyone?).

I'm not going to turn this into one of those angry posts where the author rages against the evil state of his/her society. I'm not going to do this mainly due to the fact that I don't think that our age or society is particularly evil (and if I did, I would have better reasons to justify this conclusion). Yes, we live in an age of entertainment and amusement; this frustrates me. Partly, it frustrates me because I feel the pull. I feel the pull of the temporal, the vain, the empty; all of this is a pull away from the important things in life, those which are substantive and eternal. I know that my central desire in life is to learn, grow, live, and love. I know that these things, though not intrinsically destructive (not normally), draw me away from that desire.

I think this could easily turn into one of those 'angry posts', and I could easily turn into one of those people who is angry at what I see in our society, if it weren't for the high esteem that I have for humanity. Although we are easily distracted, misled, or worse, I know that we also have unfathomable potential for good and constructive endeavours, for great learning and loving. I know that God is unceasingly at work among his creation and his people. Because I have hope, I am not angry or bitter.

Still.. bread and games do distract us from what is important. Perhaps that will never change.

Rambling Thoughts on Love and Reality...

I've had this reoccurring thought of late. Well, maybe 'thought' is not as accurate a description as experience. Perhaps, we'll call it a ontological realization?

It has struck me of late that the full extent of the Christian claim seems to be often overlooked. Though the gospel message usually takes the familiar evangelistic form of 'personal salvation', the revelation of Christ, which His Church proclaims, is so much more expansive: it encompasses the entirety of time and space, of all that was, is, and will be. The Christian proclamation is that divinity came to earth and ushered in the redemption of all of creation. Everything that God created at the beginning of time is being called back to its original purpose, its original end goal, its original essence. It is being called back to reflect the maker and ruler of the universe. It is being called back to love.

This was the realization that has been shadowing me for these past days/weeks: love truly is the source of all being. The essence of the universe, of all reality, is love.

Often, misguided Christians present a universe comprised of good and evil as if evil is something on par with good. This could not be further from the truth. Evil is the descent away from the real, the descent into non-being. Thus, something is only real insofar as it accurately reflects the goodness and love that is the source, the essence, of all reality.

Some might say that I'm looking through the world with rose-coloured glasses. Perhaps they are looking at the world through the blinders of jaded-skepticism. "I'm not jaded, I'm just a realist"... really? Who is more the realist, the one who loves, or the one who scoffs? I say that it is only the one with a heart open to love who is able to see things for what they are. The scoffer, the mocker, the jaded skeptic, they will only blind themselves to the fullness of the world around them; they will only allow themselves to see what little filters through their dark lenses. I refuse to bear the burden of those lenses.

I am fond of asserting, amor est vitae essentia (love is the essence of life). My dear wife chides me sometimes about this and jokingly groans when I begin to give answer to a question, exclaiming, "let me guess, love... it's always about love for you". Yes, yes it is.

This is who I am - this is where I am...

It's been said that change is the only constant in life. Though I'm not sure that it is the only constant, the sentiment of the statement still holds. Life involves change - there's no escaping that fact.

The change of which I am speaking here, is a change in me. On a certain level I can recognize that life inescapably involves growth and growth inescapably involves change. Perhaps some changes are harder to accept than others. This is the situation in which I find myself. I thought that I had accepted the growth in my life, i.e. the changes, that have taken place over the last several years, but recently I have begun to question this. Increasingly I have become cognizant of the fact that I 'hide' certain things in my dealings with others. It is not so much a deception rather than a lack of sharing - as if I am holding back a piece of me in some conversations. As this continues I begin to wonder if I am ashamed of who I have become or where my life has brought me. Am I concerned about what others might think? Yes, I think I have been. Are these unreasonable thoughts? No, I don't think they are; when matters of faith are involved, discussions within the faith community (communities?) can require certain restraint or tact. But, the more I think about it, I must be open and honest. Okay, here goes...

... I'm Catholic. No, I'm not in communion with the see of Rome (more like the see of Canterbury); I'm not Roman Catholic, not officially. I know that to many who know me this will not come as a surprise (especially those who go to church with me). Some might wonder why this is such a difficult thing for me to open up about. I have wondered this myself.

It's not the people who have a short history with me whom I fear telling; it's those with whom I spent my early years as a Christian. I think this is where the issue of change comes in. Those who know me as an Anglo-Catholic (that is how I currently understand myself) likely take for granted my Catholic (read: Roman Catholic) leanings. Conversely, those who knew me as a passionate (non-denominational) evangelical, will likely shudder at some of my beliefs and practices. They will likely not understand my use of icons in prayer, the role of Mary in my life, or my trust in the Papacy (together the the Magisterium) as a faithful guide in the areas of Christian doctrine and ethics. I think the unknown reaction frightens me. I have a tendency to seek out approval and sometimes being oneself means risking disapproval. This is difficult for me.

I remember the fear that I felt in discussing this topic with some friends of mine from my days in bible school. It wasn't easy. Particularly I remember a talk that I had with a good friend of mine on a two hour drive to visit a mutual friend for the weekend. I told him about some of my thoughts about Catholicism and how I had begun to explore it. It was a very encouraging talk. I left the conversation feeling accepted, even if not understood. Nonetheless, I had imagined that not all those I know would be as accepting. I suppose that is the risk of growing - thing change. Not everyone will view certain changes as being for the better.

As for myself, I know that I am where I ought to be. I know that the path that I'm on is one which is faithful to the Christian calling.

I think that the change that I'm struggling with is not the changes that have taken place over the past several years with my journey of faith. The changes that I fear are those which may take place in other people's perception of me. Those are changes which are outside of my control. I know that I have to let go of those things which are outside of my control; but it's not always easy to do so.

Many years ago when I became a Christian, I never could have imagined that this is where I would one day find myself. Now that I'm here, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I marvel at the mystery of life and at the grace that I have received which has guided me here. It is this divine grace that I look to as I face the future; a future holding unknown changes and growth.

All I can do in response to these changes is join with Saint Paul in declaring, "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever."

Amen.