This is who I am - this is where I am...

It's been said that change is the only constant in life. Though I'm not sure that it is the only constant, the sentiment of the statement still holds. Life involves change - there's no escaping that fact.

The change of which I am speaking here, is a change in me. On a certain level I can recognize that life inescapably involves growth and growth inescapably involves change. Perhaps some changes are harder to accept than others. This is the situation in which I find myself. I thought that I had accepted the growth in my life, i.e. the changes, that have taken place over the last several years, but recently I have begun to question this. Increasingly I have become cognizant of the fact that I 'hide' certain things in my dealings with others. It is not so much a deception rather than a lack of sharing - as if I am holding back a piece of me in some conversations. As this continues I begin to wonder if I am ashamed of who I have become or where my life has brought me. Am I concerned about what others might think? Yes, I think I have been. Are these unreasonable thoughts? No, I don't think they are; when matters of faith are involved, discussions within the faith community (communities?) can require certain restraint or tact. But, the more I think about it, I must be open and honest. Okay, here goes...

... I'm Catholic. No, I'm not in communion with the see of Rome (more like the see of Canterbury); I'm not Roman Catholic, not officially. I know that to many who know me this will not come as a surprise (especially those who go to church with me). Some might wonder why this is such a difficult thing for me to open up about. I have wondered this myself.

It's not the people who have a short history with me whom I fear telling; it's those with whom I spent my early years as a Christian. I think this is where the issue of change comes in. Those who know me as an Anglo-Catholic (that is how I currently understand myself) likely take for granted my Catholic (read: Roman Catholic) leanings. Conversely, those who knew me as a passionate (non-denominational) evangelical, will likely shudder at some of my beliefs and practices. They will likely not understand my use of icons in prayer, the role of Mary in my life, or my trust in the Papacy (together the the Magisterium) as a faithful guide in the areas of Christian doctrine and ethics. I think the unknown reaction frightens me. I have a tendency to seek out approval and sometimes being oneself means risking disapproval. This is difficult for me.

I remember the fear that I felt in discussing this topic with some friends of mine from my days in bible school. It wasn't easy. Particularly I remember a talk that I had with a good friend of mine on a two hour drive to visit a mutual friend for the weekend. I told him about some of my thoughts about Catholicism and how I had begun to explore it. It was a very encouraging talk. I left the conversation feeling accepted, even if not understood. Nonetheless, I had imagined that not all those I know would be as accepting. I suppose that is the risk of growing - thing change. Not everyone will view certain changes as being for the better.

As for myself, I know that I am where I ought to be. I know that the path that I'm on is one which is faithful to the Christian calling.

I think that the change that I'm struggling with is not the changes that have taken place over the past several years with my journey of faith. The changes that I fear are those which may take place in other people's perception of me. Those are changes which are outside of my control. I know that I have to let go of those things which are outside of my control; but it's not always easy to do so.

Many years ago when I became a Christian, I never could have imagined that this is where I would one day find myself. Now that I'm here, I wouldn't trade it for the world. I marvel at the mystery of life and at the grace that I have received which has guided me here. It is this divine grace that I look to as I face the future; a future holding unknown changes and growth.

All I can do in response to these changes is join with Saint Paul in declaring, "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever."

Amen.