Love and Sight...

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The other day my wife left me a note:

Dear Tyler,
I do love you [...] please know that I'm so proud of you, of the great man that you are!

I was quite moved by this little reminder of her love for me.  I was moved that she is proud of me.  Then I got to thinking about it: 'She doesn't really know me.  If she knew me the way I know me, she wouldn't feel very proud of me.  I'm not a great man, far from it.'

I have become very good at projecting an air of confidence.  Many years ago I decided to become confident.  I looked around me and realized that confident people made their way in the world while those who are clearly less-than-confident do not.  Yes, I walk with confidence, I talk with confidence - usually I am quite confident - but inside I am surely less-than-confident.  It is a funny thing that I've yet to figure out: I have great confidence in my abilities, but I have a low self-esteem and struggle constantly with self-doubt.  I have managed to become supremely confident and overwhelmingly self-doubting.

As I was sitting there thinking about how misplaced my dear wife's pride was, how misinformed she was about me, how little she truly knew me, as I was sitting there wallowing in my self-doubt a strange thought suddenly occurred to me: what if she was right?  What if she did know me?  What if she actually knows me better than I know myself?

I've often heard it said that people are blinded by love, that love blinds one to the faults of another.  But, if I am to be honest with myself, I must admit that my wife knows my faults.  Surely she knows my faults.  Sometimes I suspect she knows them better than I do.  If she knows my faults and is still able to say that she's proud of me and the "great man" that I am, what does that say about my appraisal of the situation?  How am I then to receive this little note?

I know my wife is intelligent. I have great respect for her - in fact I wouldn't hesitate to say that she is one of the people whom I respect most.  Having said that, can I so easily disregard her praise of me?  No, I think not.

It seems to me that, though infatuation may blind, love does not.  Love does not diminish sight, but instead allows for greater sight, greater insight.  It is indeed love that makes us capable of seeing people in any sense that at all resembles their true self.  Is it because of my wife's love for me that she is able to see my 'greatness', while not denying my 'lowness'?

Perhaps love not only allows one to see the person as they are, but as they will be.  Love does not merely view, but it interacts, it encourages and inspires, it motivates and propels. Love sees not only actuality, but also potentiality.  Hmmm...

I have been carrying this little note around for the last few days.  I get down quite easily in this stage of my studies.  I find myself battling with self-doubt more than anything when it comes to working on my thesis.  I've been pulling out this note whenever the struggle gets to be too much.  I read her words; I listen to her appraisal of me.  It is not that I merely rest in her words.  No, it is more than that.  While I make a conscious decision to listen to and trust the truth that her love enables her to see, I also resolve to prove the truth of it in my actions, to honour that love and pride.

Which voice ought we listen to: the doubting voice in our head or the loving voices of those around us?

Always trust the loving voices.  They are the ones whose eyes are guided by their hearts. They are the ones with eyes that truly see.

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Learning to Focus on the Task Set Before Me...

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Christmas time recently ended (four days ago already) and the holiday mode of being must likewise end.  I didn't accomplish very much of my studies over the holiday break.  Yes, I had intended to take a little bit of time to relax and forget (temporarily) about my studies; but that time is passed.

As I near the end of my studies, the end of a seven year post-secondary educational journey, I find it increasingly difficult to focus on the task at hand.  I find my mind wondering what life is like for the non-student.  It has been so long that I honestly cannot remember.  I imagine that it is restful.  Those who have not walked the path of a university student might laugh at my rose-coloured picture of the non-student life.  I might one day laugh at such thoughts.  But when you are on the inside, when every waking moment is time that ought to be spend in study, when the seemingly perpetual educational sword is dangling above, always ready to drop, always hurriedly fighting to make it to the next deadline... when you are on the inside... it is easy to imagine the ease of life on the outside.

Later this year, for the first time in our lives together neither my wife nor myself will be in school.  What will we do with all that free time?  We will go for walks together in the evening.  Not the all to brief walks that we take together after dinner; but long walks where we can take the time to enjoy a sunset.  We will go on dates to the movies.  We will call up friends on a whim.  Yeah, it does seem a little to rose-coloured to be realistic.  But, nonetheless, that's what it is looking like from this perspective.

But for now, I have set before me one of the greatest challenges of my life.  I have a challenge that requires my undivided focus.  It requires that I keep myself firmly planted in the task at hand.  I think I'm done shedding tears over this thesis.  I still may not be able to stand up straight for all weight that I continually carry on my shoulders.  I still may have to deal with minor (and not so minor) panic attacks.  The self-doubt, the worry, the fear... I still have these to carry with me as I complete the journey.  But, I'm definitely ready to be done.  I've accepted all of these things as part of the process (or at least as part of my process).

I suspect when I look back years from now and consider what I learned during my Graduate studies, what I learned from my thesis, it will not be the subject material that first comes to mind - it will not be any of the many thinkers that I studied or books that I read that will have provided the greatest lesson.  When I look back years from now on my time in Graduate studies it will be the process, the journey that will likely stand out to me as the greatest of lessons that I've learned.  It will be the many tears that have wet my desk, the many fears that threatened to break my will to continue... it will be the character growth that the journey required of me.

I seems to me that writing a thesis is nine parts discipline and diligence and one part intelligence.  Admittedly, this has been (continues to be) a difficult lesson for me to learn.

For now, as I struggle to learn that important lesson, I have to force myself to stay on task, to stay focused, and to stay hopeful.  When I'm done with this task, then I can begin to find out what post-university life is like.  Until then...

... back to the books for me.


Κύριε Ιησού Χριστέ, Υιέ του Θεού, ελέησόν με τον αμαρτωλόν

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