Love and Sight...

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The other day my wife left me a note:

Dear Tyler,
I do love you [...] please know that I'm so proud of you, of the great man that you are!

I was quite moved by this little reminder of her love for me.  I was moved that she is proud of me.  Then I got to thinking about it: 'She doesn't really know me.  If she knew me the way I know me, she wouldn't feel very proud of me.  I'm not a great man, far from it.'

I have become very good at projecting an air of confidence.  Many years ago I decided to become confident.  I looked around me and realized that confident people made their way in the world while those who are clearly less-than-confident do not.  Yes, I walk with confidence, I talk with confidence - usually I am quite confident - but inside I am surely less-than-confident.  It is a funny thing that I've yet to figure out: I have great confidence in my abilities, but I have a low self-esteem and struggle constantly with self-doubt.  I have managed to become supremely confident and overwhelmingly self-doubting.

As I was sitting there thinking about how misplaced my dear wife's pride was, how misinformed she was about me, how little she truly knew me, as I was sitting there wallowing in my self-doubt a strange thought suddenly occurred to me: what if she was right?  What if she did know me?  What if she actually knows me better than I know myself?

I've often heard it said that people are blinded by love, that love blinds one to the faults of another.  But, if I am to be honest with myself, I must admit that my wife knows my faults.  Surely she knows my faults.  Sometimes I suspect she knows them better than I do.  If she knows my faults and is still able to say that she's proud of me and the "great man" that I am, what does that say about my appraisal of the situation?  How am I then to receive this little note?

I know my wife is intelligent. I have great respect for her - in fact I wouldn't hesitate to say that she is one of the people whom I respect most.  Having said that, can I so easily disregard her praise of me?  No, I think not.

It seems to me that, though infatuation may blind, love does not.  Love does not diminish sight, but instead allows for greater sight, greater insight.  It is indeed love that makes us capable of seeing people in any sense that at all resembles their true self.  Is it because of my wife's love for me that she is able to see my 'greatness', while not denying my 'lowness'?

Perhaps love not only allows one to see the person as they are, but as they will be.  Love does not merely view, but it interacts, it encourages and inspires, it motivates and propels. Love sees not only actuality, but also potentiality.  Hmmm...

I have been carrying this little note around for the last few days.  I get down quite easily in this stage of my studies.  I find myself battling with self-doubt more than anything when it comes to working on my thesis.  I've been pulling out this note whenever the struggle gets to be too much.  I read her words; I listen to her appraisal of me.  It is not that I merely rest in her words.  No, it is more than that.  While I make a conscious decision to listen to and trust the truth that her love enables her to see, I also resolve to prove the truth of it in my actions, to honour that love and pride.

Which voice ought we listen to: the doubting voice in our head or the loving voices of those around us?

Always trust the loving voices.  They are the ones whose eyes are guided by their hearts. They are the ones with eyes that truly see.

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