Learning to Focus on the Task Set Before Me...

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Christmas time recently ended (four days ago already) and the holiday mode of being must likewise end.  I didn't accomplish very much of my studies over the holiday break.  Yes, I had intended to take a little bit of time to relax and forget (temporarily) about my studies; but that time is passed.

As I near the end of my studies, the end of a seven year post-secondary educational journey, I find it increasingly difficult to focus on the task at hand.  I find my mind wondering what life is like for the non-student.  It has been so long that I honestly cannot remember.  I imagine that it is restful.  Those who have not walked the path of a university student might laugh at my rose-coloured picture of the non-student life.  I might one day laugh at such thoughts.  But when you are on the inside, when every waking moment is time that ought to be spend in study, when the seemingly perpetual educational sword is dangling above, always ready to drop, always hurriedly fighting to make it to the next deadline... when you are on the inside... it is easy to imagine the ease of life on the outside.

Later this year, for the first time in our lives together neither my wife nor myself will be in school.  What will we do with all that free time?  We will go for walks together in the evening.  Not the all to brief walks that we take together after dinner; but long walks where we can take the time to enjoy a sunset.  We will go on dates to the movies.  We will call up friends on a whim.  Yeah, it does seem a little to rose-coloured to be realistic.  But, nonetheless, that's what it is looking like from this perspective.

But for now, I have set before me one of the greatest challenges of my life.  I have a challenge that requires my undivided focus.  It requires that I keep myself firmly planted in the task at hand.  I think I'm done shedding tears over this thesis.  I still may not be able to stand up straight for all weight that I continually carry on my shoulders.  I still may have to deal with minor (and not so minor) panic attacks.  The self-doubt, the worry, the fear... I still have these to carry with me as I complete the journey.  But, I'm definitely ready to be done.  I've accepted all of these things as part of the process (or at least as part of my process).

I suspect when I look back years from now and consider what I learned during my Graduate studies, what I learned from my thesis, it will not be the subject material that first comes to mind - it will not be any of the many thinkers that I studied or books that I read that will have provided the greatest lesson.  When I look back years from now on my time in Graduate studies it will be the process, the journey that will likely stand out to me as the greatest of lessons that I've learned.  It will be the many tears that have wet my desk, the many fears that threatened to break my will to continue... it will be the character growth that the journey required of me.

I seems to me that writing a thesis is nine parts discipline and diligence and one part intelligence.  Admittedly, this has been (continues to be) a difficult lesson for me to learn.

For now, as I struggle to learn that important lesson, I have to force myself to stay on task, to stay focused, and to stay hopeful.  When I'm done with this task, then I can begin to find out what post-university life is like.  Until then...

... back to the books for me.


Κύριε Ιησού Χριστέ, Υιέ του Θεού, ελέησόν με τον αμαρτωλόν

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