Some Thoughts... on Life and Love

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I'm not sure where to begin.  I think it has been two months since my last blog post.  They have been two of the busiest months of my life.  I've thought about posting a blog from time to time.  But when it came down to it I decided to get to it when I had some time.  I had considered blogging about being tired and busy.  Well, I suppose I have time now.

The interesting thing about being tired - and I mean constantly tired - is that the world can often seem like a much different place.  I can seem like a different person; and not the person I would like to be.  At times my patience was lacking.  My interest or care in things would falter.  I often found myself crying at things that would not normally induce such a reaction.  I was emotional at times (not necessarily a bad thing, just different).  Some days there was a weight that would travel with me.  It seemed to be with me when I woke up in the dark of the early morning and would visit and revisit me throughout the day that followed.  But the funny thing was that these last two months have not been a bad time, not a negative experience at all.  Sure I think I aged about two years during that time.  But even with all those dark clouds of weariness and (seemingly) overwhelming struggle, I could see bright rays of glorious sunlight peeking through.  So many times as I struggled to keep going with my tasks I stopped and realized how overjoyed I was to be where I was.  I was about to finish and defend my Grad thesis on a topic which stirred both my mind and soul.  I had the privilege of being married to a incredible and loving woman.  Each morning when I awoke feeling tired and wishing for the day to be over so that I could get more sleep, I realized how great it was to kiss that sleeping woman beside me good bye each day.  Perhaps more than this, though, I knew that there is something intrinsically noble and worthwhile about struggling for things that matter.  I know that the only way to reach the top of a mountain is to hike up it one step at a time.  It's not a glamorous thing, the struggle, but you can't get anywhere without it.

Here I am now with my Grad thesis defended.  It was a strange feeling after I had finished and received my grade.  I think to some extent I was in shock.  On Friday, the culmination of my seven years of study at Trinity Western University finally arrived.  I can barely remember a time before I was a student there.  I met my beautiful wife there.  My life has changed in so many ways over the past seven years - especially over the past three of grad studies (and marriage).  I'm not the same person I was when I entered university.

I'm going to be a father in roughly ten weeks...  I don't think I can yet comprehend what the reality of that will look like.  I watch my dear wife grow each week and I wonder what this child will be like.  It's a terrifying and supremely exciting mystery.  I've been looking forward to starting a family with my wife since before she was my wife.  I've learned so much about myself and about life from traveling this road with her for the past three years.  How much more will I learn and grow as we raise a child (children, God willing) together.  The Christian perspective on marriage is that it is a sacrament, a means of God's grace to transform the lives of those involved.  I believe it.  Marriage is meant to be a lesson in divine love.  I once gave a good friend my thoughts on marriage and divine love as a wedding gift to him and his new bride:

I wish you both all the best that life has to offer: laughter, joy, simple pleasures, moments of grace.  I wish for you two a long life life together filled with love – a divine love, one which is focused on the other, which is self-giving, ever-growing, ever-expanding, procreative, and inclusive.  A love which drinks deep from Him who in His very being is love incarnate.  May your love be an example, may it be revelatory, may it ever be a source of healing and renewal, may it be your guide.

This is the type of marriage that I wish to be a part of.  I do feel that this is the type of marriage that I have been so blessed to share in.  That being said, our love has grown to include a new little one.  I'm so very excited to teach him or her about the world, about God's great creation, about divine love.  I'm also so very excited to learn with (and maybe from) this little one about these things.  Oh the adventure that awaits those who are willing to live.

The other day I was listening to this song:

Some of the lyrics suddenly stood out to me and I became overwhelmed with emotion (joy, gratitude).

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm a they
A kid on the way, babe
A family on my mind

Here I am thirty-three years old.  And these lyrics sum it up pretty well for me.  I've often enjoyed listening to this song.  It seems to elicit in me the realization of just how ephemeral this existence is, how short our days are in this life.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday that my dear wife and I were heading off on our honeymoon.  Three years have flown by and we are about to have a family.  I can only imagine that I'll barely blink before our firstborn is off to school and learning and growing into an adult.  Will we be so blessed as to see our children have children one day?  Yes, the days are long, but the years are indeed short.

A couple friends of ours were married just yesterday.  I gave them each the advice to take a moment every now and again on their wedding day to stop, look around, and enjoy the day.  I told them that your wedding day will be busy, fun, and it will fly by in the blink of an eye.  It occurred to me this morning that life is quite similar.  I shall have to remember to take a moment every now and again to marvel at the beauty and splendor of life.  I shall have to pause to soak in all the love that I am surrounded with.  I shall have to stop and give thanks.

It takes bravery to embrace life.  To live unafraid, to live with love.  I pray that I may be so bold as to love and be loved in return.  I pray that I may teach and learn from and grow with those around me.  I pray for my new role as a father.  I pray for my continued role as a husband.  I pray for my actions and words as I go about life being a son, a brother, a friend, a mentor, a student.  I pray... that I may live as I ought, that I may live in love.

Gloria Deo

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Isabel Haiku

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Daddy I'm hungry
Use the washroom first

Okay

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Thoughts on Father's Day...

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The words I wish to hear... I'll never get to hear.

Father's day comes stealthily each year.  I forget about it and suddenly the day arrives with little to no fanfare; and exits in the same understated manner.

This year I came to a strange realization: I've now lived more of my life without my father than I had lived with him.  He passed away many years ago.  He never knew me as a man.

I would love for nothing more than to hear him tell me that he's proud of me, of the man that I've become.  I know that he would be proud of me.

There are words that I'll never get to say to him.  I'll never get to tell him that I love him.

I trust that the time will come, after I pass through that great mortal curtain, when we will meet again with joy and tears and great unspoken words of love.

Still, I would love to have him here to meet as men.

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Thoughts on Environmental Stewardship...

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I was looking at some National Geographic Photos of the Canadian Oil Sands...

... I can't even begin to fathom the extent of the destruction.

... Is this what sin looks like?

[Photograph by Peter Essick]




... If so, then what does salvation look like?

Perhaps Christians need to rethink what bringing the Good News into the world looks like...






"...creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now."

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Learning to Jump off the High Diving Board...

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I've discovered that I have a bit of a perfectionist streak.  Well, maybe half perfectionism, half fear of failure.  Whatever the correct label might be, the result tends to be the same: it is damn hard for me to begin and finish things.  When I was on my own I could just avoid or dismiss things.  But when you are beholden to another and called to the new-found responsibilities demanded by love... there is only one option: do what is required of you... get it done.  The nagging questions and doubts become an ill-afforded luxury.  This realization seems to change very little except the end result.  I still have these worries, these doubts, the handicap is still very real.  The difference is only that I can no longer lean on it as an excuse.  The responsibilities demanded by love - i.e. love as a verb - override the fears. 

It recently occurred to me that fulfilling these responsibilities is often like jumping off the high diving board.  When I'm up there it is terrifying and potentially able to make me freeze up and be trapped in inaction.  I can do it though - don't look down; don't think about the landing; remind myself that I'm capable and it will indeed be okay.  Some days it seems like every action, every moment is like this.  I'm not sure that jumping gets any easier; but I do know that I am learning to jump off with increasing frequency.  That, at least, is reassuring.

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New Media Induced Cognitive Blindspots and the Necessity of Serendipitous Embodied Existence...

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Yes, that is quite the title.  But this is something that I've only just begun to vocalize (if I can use such a term in reference to the disembodied form of communication we call blogging) and proper expression requires experimentation.  Anyway... here are some thoughts (I'd like to apologize ahead of time as I'm truly shooting from the hip on this one):

New Media and Cognitive Blindspots

New media is something of great interest to me.  No, I'm not much of a participant in the phenomena; but, nonetheless, it does interest - and at times, frighten - me.

One of the dangers of social media is that it is a directly controlled experience.  There are in fact only two (correct me if I'm wrong) main factors which guide the experience: the individual and the algorithm.

Communication in it's more disembodied, electronically mediated forms (email, texting, blogging, etc.) is essentially an exchange of information (unlike the more traditional embodied form of sharing time and space, in which exchange of information is only a small part of the interaction).  This information is closely controlled and directed by these two dictating factors.  One the one end, the individual entering into the medium will direct his/her attention to those things in which he/she is most interested.  On the other end we find the arcane realm of algorithms.  You cannot see them but they are the virtual overlords of information dispersal in cyberspace.  It is this silent collusion between these two covert collaborators which concerns me (sorry, I couldn't help myself with the alliteration).

Ok, that's some heavy language there for simply using social media technology.  Or is collusion actually a very apt term?

What interests me most is the hidden way in which these two interact and produce a narrowing of information.  Think about it: what you're interested drives what you look at (i.e. the information you access); the information you access influences what you are interested in; what you're interested in drives... well you get the point.  And throughout this whole process, unseen, are the algorithms in the software that filter and guide your access to the information (do you understand how a simple Google search works?  I don't; but I do know that it is not neutral, it is not unbiased).  This can have the unintentional effect of polarizing and segregating various interests and viewpoints.  As cellular phones move further and further into the realm of adaptive software (which is intended to get to know you and your patterns/desires/interests and thus be able to provide fitting suggestions on any number of topics/activities), we increasingly have a situation where technology (algorithms) provide guidance and direction to "appropriate information".

What's so wrong with that scenario you ask... Well, I would suggest that the greatest potential problem is that it could create giant cognitive blindspots.  Areas of knowledge and thought (viewpoints) that become inaccessible to the individual - precisely because he/she operates predominately as an individual.

The Necessity of Serendipitous Embodied Existence

I've come up with this term to describe what I feel is essentially just the reality of lived life, which is the antidote to cognitive blindspots.  Being a part of a physical community can indeed be a cure for ignorance.  One of the main differences between reality and virtual reality (i.e. the difference between the world and the worldwide web) is the differing laws which govern them.  While paths online are directed by a combination of individual interest and algorithmic interpretation, paths in the real world are guided by an incomprehensible multitude of variables which can neither be predicted nor ever fully explained (even in hindsight).  This "multitude of variables," and the winding paths which they direct one along are here being called serendipity (I'm sure another entirely different multitude - predominantly those of the fundamentalist Christian ilk - are decrying my use of serendipity here; but that's a whole other matter for another time).  One familiar simile for this concept is "life."

What life as an embodied person (not an individual, which I would argue is a markedly different concept than that of a person: individualism versus personhood) grants one is unknown and unexpected experiences.  And it is these unexpected experiences and interactions, which are more than mere information exchanges, that have the ability to broaden our perspective and shine light on our blindspots.

I find this happening daily in my life.  It could take the form of seeing a sight which causes me to pause and consider something that I'd not before considered.  It could take the form of a conversation with a stranger which asks me to re-examine my preconceptions or rethink my views.

Life is not guided by my interests or shaped by software algorithms (if you think that I'm going a little overboard on the whole algorithm thing, look into the role played by them in the use of smartphones, search engines, social media sites, commercial websites such as amazon and the like, etc.).  I may have a particular plan for life, but by it's very nature, by the nature of the "laws" which govern it, life does not often follow this plan of mine.  This, my friends, is the real enlightening power of a serendipitous embodied existence - the breadth of educating exposure.

Any thoughts...?


(postscript: yes, old media can also produce such blindspots; but, I would argue, it is not anywhere near the level possible in the new media landscape)

(post-postscript: no, I don't think we need a technological jihad against all use of new media.  I think what we need is more awareness about the true nature of this cyberspace realm in which we increasingly travel.)

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Middle Eastern Politics and the Bible

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Yesterday the Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu addressed the US congress.  His approx. half-hour speech amounted to a slap in the face of the people of Palestine.  And each time Netanyahu verbally slapped the Palestinian people, congress rose up and applauded (Congress to Palestine: Drop Dead).  It was rather sad to watch - and hard to stomach.

What struck me as particularly interesting was one of the ways that Netanyahu sought to justify the Israeli suppression of the Palestinian people and the continued theft of their land: God gave it to Abraham.

I wonder, in what other political situation would such a claim carry any weight?  The Prime Minister of Israel addresses a room predominantly filled with Protestant Christians and says, "Hey, it's there in your Bible... the land belongs to Israel."

In what twisted reality do we associate the modern State of Israel with the ancient people bearing the same name?  By what right can we in the West support the expulsion of one people from their ancient ancestral homeland because another people says that the land is theirs by divine right?

Christians in the West cannot support the oppression and displacement of a people in the name of God.  This is absurd politics and faulty Biblical interpretation.

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