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I once had someone explain to me how he/she was reticent to volunteer his/her thoughts because he/she didn’t want to influence others. I remember being very puzzled about this way of thinking.
The more I think about relationships and human interaction, the more I come to realize that influence is an unavoidable part of such things. Not only is it an unavoidable part of relationships, it is also a necessary part. Every human interaction, however large or however small, will involve the influence of one party on the other (and vice versa). The influence may be very temporary or it may have long-term effects, but it will be there.
Long ago, I began to get very tired with the “it’s my choice and it affects me so I’ll do what I want” approach. The super-individualistic mindset is a tired and spent relic of the past; well, maybe it’s not, but it should be. Many people in our fragmented society are waking up to the reality that we live in a world of human interaction and relationships. We are learning to ask ourselves what it means to live in relationship with the people around us, what it means to live in community. We are asking ourselves what it might look like to live and act cognizant of the effects our choices and actions might have on the lives of those around us. What kind of influence do we exert?
Returning to the first sentiment above, I ask myself, is that a reasonable expectation to hold: not wanting to influence others? I share my thoughts exactly because I want to influence others. Also, I share my thoughts because I want others to influence me. Ideally that’s what a conversation would involve: I share my thoughts, the other person shares his/her thoughts, and we both are able to hear a different viewpoint and perhaps learn something. It seems to me that this is the way relationships work. Whether through words, actions, or their mere presence, people in relationship influence each other.
I had the interesting experience yesterday of looking down and, for the first time in as long as I can remember, noticing my belly-button. I thought to myself, ‘what a strange reminder that I am not alone in this life; what a present reminder that I am meant to be connected to others’ (thanks mom). Yes, if you have a belly-button, then you are made for relationship.
If, then, I am made for relationship, and influencing others is an intrinsic part of relationships, how do I approach positively influencing those around me in the best way possible. I think the best approach is not to try to influence others, but instead to accept that it happens. I’m not an advocate of unduly influencing others, or of imposing ways of thought or action upon them – that’s not much of a relationship. I think the best way of going about it, and this is what I strive to do, is to change yourself for the better. I work to be the best person that I can be. I seek to live a life guided by faith, hope, and love. I work to learn and grow, in humility accepting and considering the advice and examples of others. I know that those who have most positively influenced me have been those who have done it by simply being people whom I wish to emulate. I think that this is the best approach. It allows for positive influence in a manner that respects the other person in the relationship.
A couple days ago a friend of mine shared some wisdom that I think very pertinent to this topic. He told me, “if someone wants to know what I’m thinking, they should buy me a couple beers”. He told me this while we were hanging out in a pub talking and enjoying each other’s company. Herein lies the other important aspect of relationships: shared presence. If we’re not spending time with people, the positive aspects of our relationships will not be able to take place.
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"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just some of us; it's in everyone and as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
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