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Pixar got something right, so very right, when they made the animated movie UP.
*** Plot Spoiler Warning ***
I saw this movie some months ago at the blood platelet donation clinic (they have movies to watch while you donate as the process can take 1.5 hours) and for some reason it popped into my head recently. I enjoyed this movie; yes, thoroughly enjoyed it. Well, to be more accurate, it wasn't the movie so much as certain parts of it. There are two parts in particular. The first is a scene at the beginning where we are given the pre-story and shown the married life of the main character (Carl) and his wife (Ellie) - it's really cute. The main story line takes place after his wife has passed away. In it, Carl undertakes the adventure that the two had always wanted, but weren't able to do. The second great scene takes places closer to the end as Carl realizes that he will not be able to complete the adventure that he has set out on in honour of his deceased wife. Resigned to the fact that their adventure will not happen, thinking himself a failure, he opens his wife's old adventure scrapbook. Here he realizes what Ellie had figured out long before: their life together and the love between them was the adventure. Yes, I almost cried at this point. Actually, I almost jumped out of my seat and cheered (though with that needle and hose sticking out of me that wouldn't have been a smart decision).
We often think that adventure necessarily involves the act of going to a far-off place and undertaking some great physical feat: hiking the wilderness, climbing a mountain, crossing a sea, etc. Sure, these things are adventurous - I'm not trying to say that they aren't - but the greatest adventure is the one that involves the heart. Learning to open yourself up to others, to know and be known, to love and be loved... this is the greatest adventure, this is life in its fullest.
It takes a great amount of courage to love, to be vulnerable and open before others, to trust. But we must learn to love since it is only through loving that life becomes an adventure. Without love it is just a long, arduous journey.
Why merely journey when you can experience the greatest adventure?
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Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Birthday Reflections: Ad multos annos...
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Friday was my birthday. I've never really been big on my own birthday. As I recently told a friend, at least you usually get a free meal out of the deal. This year has been the biggest of my birthdays thus far. I truly do feel loved and valued by my friends and family. And perhaps this year more than ever I am cognizant of the debt of love and gratitude that I owe for the wonderful people in my life.
One thing that birthdays do tend to bring is an opportunity for reflection: a chance to take stock of where you have been, where you are, and potentially, where you are going. I'm finding this to be especially true this year. I often joke that I'm a slow learner, but when I get it, I got it. Here I am with just over three decades under my belt now, a belt that is a little bigger than it was just a decade ago, several (thousand) more grey hairs, and a greatly expanded vision and understanding of life. I'm quantifiably well behind many my age (as regards career, possessions, and the like). Yeah, maybe I took a little bit longer getting to where I am, but I think I needed the time to learn, prepare, and grow. One thing that I can say that I've learned for sure is that you just never know where life is going to take you. I never could have imagined that I would be in the place that I currently find myself. The longer I live, the bigger and more mysterious and magical and beautiful life seems to be. Though I can say with all honesty that I've learned so much with the passing of years, I can also attest with equal honesty that the more I learn, the less I seem to know (if that makes any sense?). I greatly enjoy the increased perspective that the years bring. Our society may worship youth, and youth definitely has its advantages (especially physically), but there's nothing comparable to lived experience - and that only comes with age.
This birthday, my reflections are filled with hope and gratitude: hope for the future and gratitude for the past and present.
If I were a denizen of the past Latin ages, I would likely receive a birthday greeting along the lines of, ad multos annos... 'to many [more] years'! Ad multos annos indeed.
Deo gratia!
- - - - - - - - - -
Friday was my birthday. I've never really been big on my own birthday. As I recently told a friend, at least you usually get a free meal out of the deal. This year has been the biggest of my birthdays thus far. I truly do feel loved and valued by my friends and family. And perhaps this year more than ever I am cognizant of the debt of love and gratitude that I owe for the wonderful people in my life.
One thing that birthdays do tend to bring is an opportunity for reflection: a chance to take stock of where you have been, where you are, and potentially, where you are going. I'm finding this to be especially true this year. I often joke that I'm a slow learner, but when I get it, I got it. Here I am with just over three decades under my belt now, a belt that is a little bigger than it was just a decade ago, several (thousand) more grey hairs, and a greatly expanded vision and understanding of life. I'm quantifiably well behind many my age (as regards career, possessions, and the like). Yeah, maybe I took a little bit longer getting to where I am, but I think I needed the time to learn, prepare, and grow. One thing that I can say that I've learned for sure is that you just never know where life is going to take you. I never could have imagined that I would be in the place that I currently find myself. The longer I live, the bigger and more mysterious and magical and beautiful life seems to be. Though I can say with all honesty that I've learned so much with the passing of years, I can also attest with equal honesty that the more I learn, the less I seem to know (if that makes any sense?). I greatly enjoy the increased perspective that the years bring. Our society may worship youth, and youth definitely has its advantages (especially physically), but there's nothing comparable to lived experience - and that only comes with age.
This birthday, my reflections are filled with hope and gratitude: hope for the future and gratitude for the past and present.
If I were a denizen of the past Latin ages, I would likely receive a birthday greeting along the lines of, ad multos annos... 'to many [more] years'! Ad multos annos indeed.
Deo gratia!
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Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Our Consumer Culture: Complicity, Complacency, and Culpability…
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It is a strange age that we live in. I imagine that there was a time, a long time, in which one could see the results of his/her actions. It was a time in which one could base his/her decisions on what was known from first hand experience and first hand knowledge. Such a time is past. I may be oversimplifying (and perhaps idealizing) the ages come and gone, but the fact of a serious disconnect between our choices and their consequences remains. I struggle with this on a regular basis. It seems to me that in our age of choices, of unfathomable options, there is a severe lack of information to properly equip us properly for making said choices. There is often a pervasive sense of powerlessness in the face of this global economic dreadnought that we have unwittingly created.
It would be hard to imagine that there are many who have not heard of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. For nearly three months we saw news reports of the unimaginable volumes of crude oil gushing into the waters (hundreds of millions of gallons). For those of us who are old enough to remember the Exxon Valdez spill from two decades ago, we are given to measure this current disaster in recognizable terms: almost two Exxon spills every week!
I’ve heard and been involved in many conversations in which we denounce the greed and short-sightedness of those in charge of BP. I also heard a fellow on the radio suggest that those who drive their vehicles to environmental rallies are as guilty as the heads of BP. I found that I had trouble disagreeing with his statement. This is not to say that we car/truck drivers are equally as guilty in any quantifiable sense; instead he is suggesting that all who share in the consumption of petroleum products, which includes absolutely everyone in our society to varying degrees, share in the communal guilt of this disaster. He’s right. We all play a part in the consumption of, and demand for, cheap fuel. We create and continue the market drive for more oil. We are all players in the game. This is an example of an easily identifiable connection between our choices, our lifestyles, and their (unintended) consequences. There are so many other less obvious connections, most of which we are blissfully ignorant about.
I recently came across an article about ‘blood phones’ (also a video). If you remember the awareness that was raised not too long about regarding ‘blood diamonds’, this is similar. Apparently there may be a relation between our Blackberry phones, our iPhones, and the bloody war(s) currently raging in the DR Congo. I will not discuss here the unmentionable atrocities taking place (though they must be mentioned, I'll leave that to those more informed than myself); sufficed to say that none of us desire to have any connection with what is taking place there - let alone be found financially supporting the warlords committing such horrors. But, how are we to know about hidden connections such as this one?
It becomes almost overwhelming (and at times is indeed overwhelming) to think about the various and hidden ways in which our society's operation on a daily basis affects the wider world: The cheap meats we enjoy linked to great environmental degradation (not to mention voluminous petroleum use and gross labour/human rights abuses)? The clothes we wear linked to sweat-shops in Asia? The cheap imports we purchase linked with child labour in India and around the world? The tropical fruits finding their way to our kitchen tables linked with global warming (the effects of which are becoming increasingly visible in communities and various plant and animal species around the world) It seems inevitable that our desire for goods affects countless others in our increasingly globalized world. Yes, at times it can indeed seem overwhelming. What are we to do?
I'm not suggesting that we all need to know everything about everything. We simply cannot know the origins and consequences of everything we purchase and every decision we make (in some cases, such as food labeling, companies go to great lengths to hide origins). I'm also not trying to accuse or point fingers (I find that approach is seldom constructive). What I am advocating is thinking and acting. We must think about our choices and actions as much as we are able to. We must act on the reliable information that we are given.
Should we stop driving cars? Should we have a technological pogrom against all cellphones, digital cameras, and laptops? Should we put an end to all meat consumption, ban bananas, dress solely in locally grown/produced hemp clothing, and close down all dollar stores, Walmart and Cosco? Well, no; I'm not advocating these knee-jerk reactions. Should we be moved to some kind of self-flagellation? No, punishment and severe criticism is not the answer either (though a little bit of honest, and reasonable, penance never hurts). Neither is finger-pointing the answer (unless you have lots of fingers and one reserved for yourself); it's too easy and unconstructive to place all the blame on our neighbours (yes, even if they drive a hummer); self-righteous hypocrisy is not the answer.
Reasonable knowledge, thought, awareness, and action are what are required: think, learn, and act. I hear a lot about 'purchasing power' and the 'democratic dollar' - every purchase is a vote. Companies want to be seen as 'green' and 'humanitarian'. The more we tell them what is important to us, the more they will change to fit these priorities. Step by step we need to change the way we live and the way we consume. We need to make little changes (little changes can turn into big ones). We need to learn, communicate, discuss, and influence.
What ought I to do? Well, I'm writing this blog post on my iBook... I think I'll start by writing a letter to Steve Jobs and share with him my hopes for the people of DR Congo.
- - - - - - - - - -
It is a strange age that we live in. I imagine that there was a time, a long time, in which one could see the results of his/her actions. It was a time in which one could base his/her decisions on what was known from first hand experience and first hand knowledge. Such a time is past. I may be oversimplifying (and perhaps idealizing) the ages come and gone, but the fact of a serious disconnect between our choices and their consequences remains. I struggle with this on a regular basis. It seems to me that in our age of choices, of unfathomable options, there is a severe lack of information to properly equip us properly for making said choices. There is often a pervasive sense of powerlessness in the face of this global economic dreadnought that we have unwittingly created.
It would be hard to imagine that there are many who have not heard of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. For nearly three months we saw news reports of the unimaginable volumes of crude oil gushing into the waters (hundreds of millions of gallons). For those of us who are old enough to remember the Exxon Valdez spill from two decades ago, we are given to measure this current disaster in recognizable terms: almost two Exxon spills every week!
I’ve heard and been involved in many conversations in which we denounce the greed and short-sightedness of those in charge of BP. I also heard a fellow on the radio suggest that those who drive their vehicles to environmental rallies are as guilty as the heads of BP. I found that I had trouble disagreeing with his statement. This is not to say that we car/truck drivers are equally as guilty in any quantifiable sense; instead he is suggesting that all who share in the consumption of petroleum products, which includes absolutely everyone in our society to varying degrees, share in the communal guilt of this disaster. He’s right. We all play a part in the consumption of, and demand for, cheap fuel. We create and continue the market drive for more oil. We are all players in the game. This is an example of an easily identifiable connection between our choices, our lifestyles, and their (unintended) consequences. There are so many other less obvious connections, most of which we are blissfully ignorant about.
I recently came across an article about ‘blood phones’ (also a video). If you remember the awareness that was raised not too long about regarding ‘blood diamonds’, this is similar. Apparently there may be a relation between our Blackberry phones, our iPhones, and the bloody war(s) currently raging in the DR Congo. I will not discuss here the unmentionable atrocities taking place (though they must be mentioned, I'll leave that to those more informed than myself); sufficed to say that none of us desire to have any connection with what is taking place there - let alone be found financially supporting the warlords committing such horrors. But, how are we to know about hidden connections such as this one?
It becomes almost overwhelming (and at times is indeed overwhelming) to think about the various and hidden ways in which our society's operation on a daily basis affects the wider world: The cheap meats we enjoy linked to great environmental degradation (not to mention voluminous petroleum use and gross labour/human rights abuses)? The clothes we wear linked to sweat-shops in Asia? The cheap imports we purchase linked with child labour in India and around the world? The tropical fruits finding their way to our kitchen tables linked with global warming (the effects of which are becoming increasingly visible in communities and various plant and animal species around the world) It seems inevitable that our desire for goods affects countless others in our increasingly globalized world. Yes, at times it can indeed seem overwhelming. What are we to do?
I'm not suggesting that we all need to know everything about everything. We simply cannot know the origins and consequences of everything we purchase and every decision we make (in some cases, such as food labeling, companies go to great lengths to hide origins). I'm also not trying to accuse or point fingers (I find that approach is seldom constructive). What I am advocating is thinking and acting. We must think about our choices and actions as much as we are able to. We must act on the reliable information that we are given.
Should we stop driving cars? Should we have a technological pogrom against all cellphones, digital cameras, and laptops? Should we put an end to all meat consumption, ban bananas, dress solely in locally grown/produced hemp clothing, and close down all dollar stores, Walmart and Cosco? Well, no; I'm not advocating these knee-jerk reactions. Should we be moved to some kind of self-flagellation? No, punishment and severe criticism is not the answer either (though a little bit of honest, and reasonable, penance never hurts). Neither is finger-pointing the answer (unless you have lots of fingers and one reserved for yourself); it's too easy and unconstructive to place all the blame on our neighbours (yes, even if they drive a hummer); self-righteous hypocrisy is not the answer.
Reasonable knowledge, thought, awareness, and action are what are required: think, learn, and act. I hear a lot about 'purchasing power' and the 'democratic dollar' - every purchase is a vote. Companies want to be seen as 'green' and 'humanitarian'. The more we tell them what is important to us, the more they will change to fit these priorities. Step by step we need to change the way we live and the way we consume. We need to make little changes (little changes can turn into big ones). We need to learn, communicate, discuss, and influence.
What ought I to do? Well, I'm writing this blog post on my iBook... I think I'll start by writing a letter to Steve Jobs and share with him my hopes for the people of DR Congo.
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Thursday, July 8, 2010
Billy Joel: Seeing the familiar...
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An excerpt from Billy Joel, "Just the Way You Are":
It's a lovely song and Billy has a way of writing lyrics that might seem overly sentimental coming from others, but from him are simply wonderful. I was recently listening to this song when the line, "Don't imagine you're too familiar // And I don't see you anymore" struck me.
With each passing day, by indiscernible increments, I know my dear wife better and better - I love her more and more. As we spend more time together I learn who she is. As my understanding of her grows, so too does my ability to see her - to see her and not who I might think she is. This is one of the blessings of marriage together: I grow to know her. The flip side of this marriage scenario is the danger that I forget how to see her.
When things become too familiar, we can take them for granted and assume that we have seen them and know them already. Everyday occurrences can become thought so common as to be completely forgotten: the evening sunset, the mountains on a clear day, the cool spring breeze... all of these can be right before me and I can fail to see their beauty because they have become too common, too familiar. How much more the danger that a person I see every day can become commonplace; how much more the danger that I can fail to see my wife as the beautiful, dynamic creature that she is because I assume that I know her, that I know who she is, that I have her figured out.
There is a danger that things and people can become 'too familiar' and that we can fail to see them as they are (and not merely as we think they are). All too often, we put people in boxes. The truth is that human beings are too big for boxes; and if we do attempt to put them in boxes, all we ultimately accomplish is that our eyes are blinded and we can no longer see them.
The challenge, then, is to see others and accept them "just they way [they] are".
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An excerpt from Billy Joel, "Just the Way You Are":
Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
It's a lovely song and Billy has a way of writing lyrics that might seem overly sentimental coming from others, but from him are simply wonderful. I was recently listening to this song when the line, "Don't imagine you're too familiar // And I don't see you anymore" struck me.
With each passing day, by indiscernible increments, I know my dear wife better and better - I love her more and more. As we spend more time together I learn who she is. As my understanding of her grows, so too does my ability to see her - to see her and not who I might think she is. This is one of the blessings of marriage together: I grow to know her. The flip side of this marriage scenario is the danger that I forget how to see her.
When things become too familiar, we can take them for granted and assume that we have seen them and know them already. Everyday occurrences can become thought so common as to be completely forgotten: the evening sunset, the mountains on a clear day, the cool spring breeze... all of these can be right before me and I can fail to see their beauty because they have become too common, too familiar. How much more the danger that a person I see every day can become commonplace; how much more the danger that I can fail to see my wife as the beautiful, dynamic creature that she is because I assume that I know her, that I know who she is, that I have her figured out.
There is a danger that things and people can become 'too familiar' and that we can fail to see them as they are (and not merely as we think they are). All too often, we put people in boxes. The truth is that human beings are too big for boxes; and if we do attempt to put them in boxes, all we ultimately accomplish is that our eyes are blinded and we can no longer see them.
The challenge, then, is to see others and accept them "just they way [they] are".
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Friday, June 25, 2010
Rerum Novarum: the debt I owe the poor...
It was about a year ago that I heard these words: "Once the demands of necessity and propriety have been met, everything else we own belongs to the poor" (Rerum Novarum, 22; paraphrase). They have walked with me each day since. I cannot bring myself to deny the truth in them; neither can I seem to bring my self to any sort of action in response to them.
In his 1891 encyclical, Rerum Novarum, Pope Leo XIII addresses the “Rights and Duties of Capitol and Labour”. Rerum Novarum is Latin for “Concerning New Things”; Leo is responding to the rise of the modern world with all the social and economic changes that followed in its wake. During the course of dealing with the tricky issues of workers rights, possession of private property, the role of the employer, etc. Leo reminds his readers (in no uncertain terms) of the position the Christian church has universally held with regards to the poor. In fact, the Old Testament Law and Prophets, the New Testament Gospels and Epistles, and the teachings of the Church are all in clear agreement on this one. We are each personally responsible for the care and welfare of the poor in our midst.
The 13th century theologian and Doctor of the western church, St. Thomas Aquinas, clarified the question of what the Christian is to do with his/her money: “Man should not consider his material possessions as his own, but as common to all, so as to share them without hesitation when others are in need. Whence the Apostle with, ‘Command the rich of this world... to offer with no stint, to apportion largely.’”
The message could not be any more clear. I have read the Scriptures and I know what Jesus has to say on the topic. All of the Hebrew prophets are of one accord on this. I’ve heard it said that the commandments of Christ are not difficult because they are so complex, but they are difficult because they are so simple and we don't want to do them.
The picture of Jesus as judge isn’t one that readily comes to my mind. The image (metaphor) that is most common to my thinking tends to be that of the shepherd. But the Scriptures do tell us that the Son of Man (aka Jesus) will judge each according to his deeds. A day will come when we will have to account for our actions. Interestingly, the actions (or inaction) that the judge charges people with are those involving their treatment of the poor and the marginalized.
“for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me… Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.” (Matthew 25)
When the Bible refers to ‘the rich’, I know of whom it speaks… it speaks of me. I to whom Jesus calls for repentance.. he calls to me.
In his 1891 encyclical, Rerum Novarum, Pope Leo XIII addresses the “Rights and Duties of Capitol and Labour”. Rerum Novarum is Latin for “Concerning New Things”; Leo is responding to the rise of the modern world with all the social and economic changes that followed in its wake. During the course of dealing with the tricky issues of workers rights, possession of private property, the role of the employer, etc. Leo reminds his readers (in no uncertain terms) of the position the Christian church has universally held with regards to the poor. In fact, the Old Testament Law and Prophets, the New Testament Gospels and Epistles, and the teachings of the Church are all in clear agreement on this one. We are each personally responsible for the care and welfare of the poor in our midst.
The 13th century theologian and Doctor of the western church, St. Thomas Aquinas, clarified the question of what the Christian is to do with his/her money: “Man should not consider his material possessions as his own, but as common to all, so as to share them without hesitation when others are in need. Whence the Apostle with, ‘Command the rich of this world... to offer with no stint, to apportion largely.’”
The message could not be any more clear. I have read the Scriptures and I know what Jesus has to say on the topic. All of the Hebrew prophets are of one accord on this. I’ve heard it said that the commandments of Christ are not difficult because they are so complex, but they are difficult because they are so simple and we don't want to do them.
The picture of Jesus as judge isn’t one that readily comes to my mind. The image (metaphor) that is most common to my thinking tends to be that of the shepherd. But the Scriptures do tell us that the Son of Man (aka Jesus) will judge each according to his deeds. A day will come when we will have to account for our actions. Interestingly, the actions (or inaction) that the judge charges people with are those involving their treatment of the poor and the marginalized.
“for I was hungry, and you gave Me nothing to eat; I was thirsty, and you gave Me nothing to drink; I was a stranger, and you did not invite Me in; naked, and you did not clothe Me; sick, and in prison, and you did not visit Me… Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.” (Matthew 25)
When the Bible refers to ‘the rich’, I know of whom it speaks… it speaks of me. I to whom Jesus calls for repentance.. he calls to me.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Loss and Marriage: go together like a horse and carriage?
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I’ve recently had a couple conversations which have prompted me to consider marriage and its various collaterals, especially those less often considered.
An acquaintance of mine expressed to me her frustration with the social impediments that she feels obstructs people from expressing feelings of loss at weddings. She seemed to feel that there ought to be room for people to express the feeling of loss that they feel when a close friend, or perhaps sibling, gets married.
I think it’s true that marriage is predominantly viewed from the perspective of the bond that is being formed between the two persons. Less often is marriage understood as the rupture (or at least drastic change) of other previous relational bonds. The dynamic of friendships will indeed change greatly when one of the friends gets married. Even sibling or child/parent relationships greatly change when this new bond is formed. Ought we to recognize this and grieve for a loss? Is this a loss? I would argue (sorry LvD) that this is not a loss to be grieved. Sure, the ‘good old times’ will never come back – those carefree days as single friends with (supposedly) limitless potential and infinite time – things will never be the same, but that is how life works. Ought we to mourn with each new day the loss of the day before? No, we cherish the memories from yesterday and face the new day set before us confident in all that yesterday has equipped us with. Relationships are not static; friendships change and grow (and sometimes unfortunately end, but that’s another topic). Ought I to mourn the loss of my child when he/she grows into adulthood… no I celebrate it as the natural course of life and growth and cherish the memories of his/her childhood. I will concede that we cannot deny the change that comes when a good friend gets married. Sometimes it is difficult to let go of that person we have known, loved, and cherished. But we have to learn to let that person of yesteryear grow into the person of today that he/she is becoming.
The other topic of loss and marriage centers around the mixing of cultures in marriage. My wife and I, in a very real sense, come from different cultures. I realized very early on that our marriage would necessarily involve a sort of cultural loss for her. The most obvious instance of this, from my perspective, was when she decided to leave her church and join me in another one. I don’t know what it is like to grow up in a church, to know everyone there and their history (and have them know yours), to have such a focused location of community, family, and relationships. I’ll never fully know what kind of loss she felt when she decided to leave her church. When she told me of her decision, I… well, words cannot describe the love that I felt, both for and from her. I’m seldom as moved as I was at that moment; but I knew she was (and is) feeling a great loss because of it. More than just the loss of her religious community, she also chose, when she chose to marry me, to create another degree of separation between herself and the Dutch-Canadian community. I’m a good guy, but I’m not Dutch. No matter how much I try to honour and preserve her Dutch-Canadian roots, and pass them on to our children, she has lost something in gaining someone. Her marriage to me has come at a price. It is a price she willingly paid, but it is still a price.
So the question remains: are loss and marriage intrinsically connected? In some ways, yes. But insofar as life is dynamic and change is inevitable, growth requires a certain balance of continuity and discontinuity to be real growth. Sometimes the discontinuity is more keenly felt than others, but it is always there whether or not we recognize it. Some of my detractors might feel that I am airbrushing the emotions involved, or denying their validity, when I say this but I’m not at all: it is a good thing to miss someone, it means there is something of value to miss.
[p.s. if you’re not a Frank Sinatra fan (or even an Al Bundy fan), then I apologize for the confusing title]
- - - - - - - - - -
I’ve recently had a couple conversations which have prompted me to consider marriage and its various collaterals, especially those less often considered.
An acquaintance of mine expressed to me her frustration with the social impediments that she feels obstructs people from expressing feelings of loss at weddings. She seemed to feel that there ought to be room for people to express the feeling of loss that they feel when a close friend, or perhaps sibling, gets married.
I think it’s true that marriage is predominantly viewed from the perspective of the bond that is being formed between the two persons. Less often is marriage understood as the rupture (or at least drastic change) of other previous relational bonds. The dynamic of friendships will indeed change greatly when one of the friends gets married. Even sibling or child/parent relationships greatly change when this new bond is formed. Ought we to recognize this and grieve for a loss? Is this a loss? I would argue (sorry LvD) that this is not a loss to be grieved. Sure, the ‘good old times’ will never come back – those carefree days as single friends with (supposedly) limitless potential and infinite time – things will never be the same, but that is how life works. Ought we to mourn with each new day the loss of the day before? No, we cherish the memories from yesterday and face the new day set before us confident in all that yesterday has equipped us with. Relationships are not static; friendships change and grow (and sometimes unfortunately end, but that’s another topic). Ought I to mourn the loss of my child when he/she grows into adulthood… no I celebrate it as the natural course of life and growth and cherish the memories of his/her childhood. I will concede that we cannot deny the change that comes when a good friend gets married. Sometimes it is difficult to let go of that person we have known, loved, and cherished. But we have to learn to let that person of yesteryear grow into the person of today that he/she is becoming.
The other topic of loss and marriage centers around the mixing of cultures in marriage. My wife and I, in a very real sense, come from different cultures. I realized very early on that our marriage would necessarily involve a sort of cultural loss for her. The most obvious instance of this, from my perspective, was when she decided to leave her church and join me in another one. I don’t know what it is like to grow up in a church, to know everyone there and their history (and have them know yours), to have such a focused location of community, family, and relationships. I’ll never fully know what kind of loss she felt when she decided to leave her church. When she told me of her decision, I… well, words cannot describe the love that I felt, both for and from her. I’m seldom as moved as I was at that moment; but I knew she was (and is) feeling a great loss because of it. More than just the loss of her religious community, she also chose, when she chose to marry me, to create another degree of separation between herself and the Dutch-Canadian community. I’m a good guy, but I’m not Dutch. No matter how much I try to honour and preserve her Dutch-Canadian roots, and pass them on to our children, she has lost something in gaining someone. Her marriage to me has come at a price. It is a price she willingly paid, but it is still a price.
So the question remains: are loss and marriage intrinsically connected? In some ways, yes. But insofar as life is dynamic and change is inevitable, growth requires a certain balance of continuity and discontinuity to be real growth. Sometimes the discontinuity is more keenly felt than others, but it is always there whether or not we recognize it. Some of my detractors might feel that I am airbrushing the emotions involved, or denying their validity, when I say this but I’m not at all: it is a good thing to miss someone, it means there is something of value to miss.
[p.s. if you’re not a Frank Sinatra fan (or even an Al Bundy fan), then I apologize for the confusing title]
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Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thoughts on Influence: the nature of relationship...
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I once had someone explain to me how he/she was reticent to volunteer his/her thoughts because he/she didn’t want to influence others. I remember being very puzzled about this way of thinking.
The more I think about relationships and human interaction, the more I come to realize that influence is an unavoidable part of such things. Not only is it an unavoidable part of relationships, it is also a necessary part. Every human interaction, however large or however small, will involve the influence of one party on the other (and vice versa). The influence may be very temporary or it may have long-term effects, but it will be there.
Long ago, I began to get very tired with the “it’s my choice and it affects me so I’ll do what I want” approach. The super-individualistic mindset is a tired and spent relic of the past; well, maybe it’s not, but it should be. Many people in our fragmented society are waking up to the reality that we live in a world of human interaction and relationships. We are learning to ask ourselves what it means to live in relationship with the people around us, what it means to live in community. We are asking ourselves what it might look like to live and act cognizant of the effects our choices and actions might have on the lives of those around us. What kind of influence do we exert?
Returning to the first sentiment above, I ask myself, is that a reasonable expectation to hold: not wanting to influence others? I share my thoughts exactly because I want to influence others. Also, I share my thoughts because I want others to influence me. Ideally that’s what a conversation would involve: I share my thoughts, the other person shares his/her thoughts, and we both are able to hear a different viewpoint and perhaps learn something. It seems to me that this is the way relationships work. Whether through words, actions, or their mere presence, people in relationship influence each other.
I had the interesting experience yesterday of looking down and, for the first time in as long as I can remember, noticing my belly-button. I thought to myself, ‘what a strange reminder that I am not alone in this life; what a present reminder that I am meant to be connected to others’ (thanks mom). Yes, if you have a belly-button, then you are made for relationship.
If, then, I am made for relationship, and influencing others is an intrinsic part of relationships, how do I approach positively influencing those around me in the best way possible. I think the best approach is not to try to influence others, but instead to accept that it happens. I’m not an advocate of unduly influencing others, or of imposing ways of thought or action upon them – that’s not much of a relationship. I think the best way of going about it, and this is what I strive to do, is to change yourself for the better. I work to be the best person that I can be. I seek to live a life guided by faith, hope, and love. I work to learn and grow, in humility accepting and considering the advice and examples of others. I know that those who have most positively influenced me have been those who have done it by simply being people whom I wish to emulate. I think that this is the best approach. It allows for positive influence in a manner that respects the other person in the relationship.
A couple days ago a friend of mine shared some wisdom that I think very pertinent to this topic. He told me, “if someone wants to know what I’m thinking, they should buy me a couple beers”. He told me this while we were hanging out in a pub talking and enjoying each other’s company. Herein lies the other important aspect of relationships: shared presence. If we’re not spending time with people, the positive aspects of our relationships will not be able to take place.
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I once had someone explain to me how he/she was reticent to volunteer his/her thoughts because he/she didn’t want to influence others. I remember being very puzzled about this way of thinking.
The more I think about relationships and human interaction, the more I come to realize that influence is an unavoidable part of such things. Not only is it an unavoidable part of relationships, it is also a necessary part. Every human interaction, however large or however small, will involve the influence of one party on the other (and vice versa). The influence may be very temporary or it may have long-term effects, but it will be there.
Long ago, I began to get very tired with the “it’s my choice and it affects me so I’ll do what I want” approach. The super-individualistic mindset is a tired and spent relic of the past; well, maybe it’s not, but it should be. Many people in our fragmented society are waking up to the reality that we live in a world of human interaction and relationships. We are learning to ask ourselves what it means to live in relationship with the people around us, what it means to live in community. We are asking ourselves what it might look like to live and act cognizant of the effects our choices and actions might have on the lives of those around us. What kind of influence do we exert?
Returning to the first sentiment above, I ask myself, is that a reasonable expectation to hold: not wanting to influence others? I share my thoughts exactly because I want to influence others. Also, I share my thoughts because I want others to influence me. Ideally that’s what a conversation would involve: I share my thoughts, the other person shares his/her thoughts, and we both are able to hear a different viewpoint and perhaps learn something. It seems to me that this is the way relationships work. Whether through words, actions, or their mere presence, people in relationship influence each other.
I had the interesting experience yesterday of looking down and, for the first time in as long as I can remember, noticing my belly-button. I thought to myself, ‘what a strange reminder that I am not alone in this life; what a present reminder that I am meant to be connected to others’ (thanks mom). Yes, if you have a belly-button, then you are made for relationship.
If, then, I am made for relationship, and influencing others is an intrinsic part of relationships, how do I approach positively influencing those around me in the best way possible. I think the best approach is not to try to influence others, but instead to accept that it happens. I’m not an advocate of unduly influencing others, or of imposing ways of thought or action upon them – that’s not much of a relationship. I think the best way of going about it, and this is what I strive to do, is to change yourself for the better. I work to be the best person that I can be. I seek to live a life guided by faith, hope, and love. I work to learn and grow, in humility accepting and considering the advice and examples of others. I know that those who have most positively influenced me have been those who have done it by simply being people whom I wish to emulate. I think that this is the best approach. It allows for positive influence in a manner that respects the other person in the relationship.
A couple days ago a friend of mine shared some wisdom that I think very pertinent to this topic. He told me, “if someone wants to know what I’m thinking, they should buy me a couple beers”. He told me this while we were hanging out in a pub talking and enjoying each other’s company. Herein lies the other important aspect of relationships: shared presence. If we’re not spending time with people, the positive aspects of our relationships will not be able to take place.
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