Love and Sight...

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The other day my wife left me a note:

Dear Tyler,
I do love you [...] please know that I'm so proud of you, of the great man that you are!

I was quite moved by this little reminder of her love for me.  I was moved that she is proud of me.  Then I got to thinking about it: 'She doesn't really know me.  If she knew me the way I know me, she wouldn't feel very proud of me.  I'm not a great man, far from it.'

I have become very good at projecting an air of confidence.  Many years ago I decided to become confident.  I looked around me and realized that confident people made their way in the world while those who are clearly less-than-confident do not.  Yes, I walk with confidence, I talk with confidence - usually I am quite confident - but inside I am surely less-than-confident.  It is a funny thing that I've yet to figure out: I have great confidence in my abilities, but I have a low self-esteem and struggle constantly with self-doubt.  I have managed to become supremely confident and overwhelmingly self-doubting.

As I was sitting there thinking about how misplaced my dear wife's pride was, how misinformed she was about me, how little she truly knew me, as I was sitting there wallowing in my self-doubt a strange thought suddenly occurred to me: what if she was right?  What if she did know me?  What if she actually knows me better than I know myself?

I've often heard it said that people are blinded by love, that love blinds one to the faults of another.  But, if I am to be honest with myself, I must admit that my wife knows my faults.  Surely she knows my faults.  Sometimes I suspect she knows them better than I do.  If she knows my faults and is still able to say that she's proud of me and the "great man" that I am, what does that say about my appraisal of the situation?  How am I then to receive this little note?

I know my wife is intelligent. I have great respect for her - in fact I wouldn't hesitate to say that she is one of the people whom I respect most.  Having said that, can I so easily disregard her praise of me?  No, I think not.

It seems to me that, though infatuation may blind, love does not.  Love does not diminish sight, but instead allows for greater sight, greater insight.  It is indeed love that makes us capable of seeing people in any sense that at all resembles their true self.  Is it because of my wife's love for me that she is able to see my 'greatness', while not denying my 'lowness'?

Perhaps love not only allows one to see the person as they are, but as they will be.  Love does not merely view, but it interacts, it encourages and inspires, it motivates and propels. Love sees not only actuality, but also potentiality.  Hmmm...

I have been carrying this little note around for the last few days.  I get down quite easily in this stage of my studies.  I find myself battling with self-doubt more than anything when it comes to working on my thesis.  I've been pulling out this note whenever the struggle gets to be too much.  I read her words; I listen to her appraisal of me.  It is not that I merely rest in her words.  No, it is more than that.  While I make a conscious decision to listen to and trust the truth that her love enables her to see, I also resolve to prove the truth of it in my actions, to honour that love and pride.

Which voice ought we listen to: the doubting voice in our head or the loving voices of those around us?

Always trust the loving voices.  They are the ones whose eyes are guided by their hearts. They are the ones with eyes that truly see.

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Learning to Focus on the Task Set Before Me...

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Christmas time recently ended (four days ago already) and the holiday mode of being must likewise end.  I didn't accomplish very much of my studies over the holiday break.  Yes, I had intended to take a little bit of time to relax and forget (temporarily) about my studies; but that time is passed.

As I near the end of my studies, the end of a seven year post-secondary educational journey, I find it increasingly difficult to focus on the task at hand.  I find my mind wondering what life is like for the non-student.  It has been so long that I honestly cannot remember.  I imagine that it is restful.  Those who have not walked the path of a university student might laugh at my rose-coloured picture of the non-student life.  I might one day laugh at such thoughts.  But when you are on the inside, when every waking moment is time that ought to be spend in study, when the seemingly perpetual educational sword is dangling above, always ready to drop, always hurriedly fighting to make it to the next deadline... when you are on the inside... it is easy to imagine the ease of life on the outside.

Later this year, for the first time in our lives together neither my wife nor myself will be in school.  What will we do with all that free time?  We will go for walks together in the evening.  Not the all to brief walks that we take together after dinner; but long walks where we can take the time to enjoy a sunset.  We will go on dates to the movies.  We will call up friends on a whim.  Yeah, it does seem a little to rose-coloured to be realistic.  But, nonetheless, that's what it is looking like from this perspective.

But for now, I have set before me one of the greatest challenges of my life.  I have a challenge that requires my undivided focus.  It requires that I keep myself firmly planted in the task at hand.  I think I'm done shedding tears over this thesis.  I still may not be able to stand up straight for all weight that I continually carry on my shoulders.  I still may have to deal with minor (and not so minor) panic attacks.  The self-doubt, the worry, the fear... I still have these to carry with me as I complete the journey.  But, I'm definitely ready to be done.  I've accepted all of these things as part of the process (or at least as part of my process).

I suspect when I look back years from now and consider what I learned during my Graduate studies, what I learned from my thesis, it will not be the subject material that first comes to mind - it will not be any of the many thinkers that I studied or books that I read that will have provided the greatest lesson.  When I look back years from now on my time in Graduate studies it will be the process, the journey that will likely stand out to me as the greatest of lessons that I've learned.  It will be the many tears that have wet my desk, the many fears that threatened to break my will to continue... it will be the character growth that the journey required of me.

I seems to me that writing a thesis is nine parts discipline and diligence and one part intelligence.  Admittedly, this has been (continues to be) a difficult lesson for me to learn.

For now, as I struggle to learn that important lesson, I have to force myself to stay on task, to stay focused, and to stay hopeful.  When I'm done with this task, then I can begin to find out what post-university life is like.  Until then...

... back to the books for me.


Κύριε Ιησού Χριστέ, Υιέ του Θεού, ελέησόν με τον αμαρτωλόν

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Gloria In Excelsis Deo...

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...there were some shepherds staying out in the fields and keeping watch over their flock by night.  And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them; and they were terribly frightened.
But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. "This will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

And suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying,

"Glory to God in the highest,

And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased."

As Tiny Tim would say, "God bless us, every one."
Merry Christmas my friends.

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Songs of Christmas: #1

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#1 U2, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" (1987)

This one packs all the best of mid-eighties U2 into a Christmas song of desire for past love and holiday companionship.  Be careful, though, listening to it can result in the deep lodging within one's brain of the repeated refrain, "Christmas... Christmas... Christmas".

The snow's comin' down / Christmas I'm watchin' it fall / Christmas
Lots of people around / Christmas
Baby, please come home

The church bells in town / Christmas
They're ringin' a song / Christmas
What a happy sound / Christmas
Baby, please come home

They're singin' 'Deck the Halls'
But it's not like Christmas at all
I remember when you were here
And all the fun we had last year

Pretty lights on the tree / Christmas
I'm watchin' 'em shine / Christmas
You should be here with me / Christmas
Baby, please come home

Christmas can be such a happy, joyful time; but it can also be a very hard and lonely time.  Often the difference is context. When the memories of holiday happiness past is compared with the loneliness of a present holiday reality, everything about the season can increase the weight, the burden, of such times.  Snow falling, bells ringing, people singing, lights shining... all of these normally festive symbols of Christmas joy can become mockery to those whose heart cannot join in the festivities.

WikiFact: "The second and most widely known [cover] was recorded by U2 in July 1987 during a sound check at a stop during their Joshua Tree Tour in Glasgow, Scotland."

Not surprisingly, this song reeks (in the most beautiful, effervescent way) of Joshua Tree era U2.  This may be an unfair advantage that this particular Christmas song has over the rest of its competitors (especially considering that I love all things U2).  Nonetheless, the U2 version of this song is able to stand on it's own legs as a top tier Christmas song.

It's not as though U2 departed greatly from the original version by Darlene Love.  The two are actually quite similar.  But I get the sense that this song was intended for Bono and the boys.  Yes, I would be so bold as to say that Phil Spector's Christmas song finds its fulfillment in U2.

I just really enjoy this song - right or wrong -  that's why it's number one.

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Songs of Christmas: #2

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#2 Band Aid, "Do They Know It's Christmas" (1984)

I woke up this morning to this song playing on our clock radio.  When it was done, the host, Molly Johnson talked about this song and about Christmas  .She was saying that she thought the World Vision gift catalogue was a great idea for Christmas.  Molly suggested that this is what Christmas is all about: giving good gifts to those in need.  Molly is a wise woman. 

On November 25, 1984 Bob Geldof brought together all the musical power that the UK pop scene could muster - he brought them together to spread a message and bring some much needed help.  He brought them together in response to the severe famine in Ethiopia.  That is what this song is about: spreading the message of Christmas, the message of hope, in a tangible way.

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time


But say a prayer - pray for the other ones
At Christmas time it's hard, but when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window
And it's a world of dreaded fear
Where the only water flowing is a bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom 
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you 

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?  

This song is a call to all those with plenty, a call to remember Jesus' words to us: "Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me."  If we believe in Christmas, if we believe that God sent his Son to unite with humanity - to become one of us, becoming incarnate in human flesh - that we might find salvation, joy, and hope... if we believe in Christmas, then we must answer the call.

Oh, I enjoy the various singers in this one.  Vocally, Boy George is at the top of his game here.  And Bono's haunting (and convicting) cry.  I can't shake it for the whole season.  This song is a must for the holiday season.  It's here to stay (and don't waste your time with the more recent renditions).

This could have quite easily been number one.  It really was a struggle to give it only the penultimate position - if there could have been a tie, I would have done it.

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Songs of Christmas: #3

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#3 Boney M, "Mary's Boy Child - Oh My Lord" (1978)

Is this Christmas or a toga party?

We're into the top tier here  my friends.  The highest level of Christmas music... or is it?  I suspect I will get two kinds of reactions to this one:
1) "Awesome, I love this song!!!"
2) "Seriously? You've got to be kiddin' me."
Whatever your reaction might be... I'm not backing down on this pick.


Two things happened way back in 1978 that would forever alter the course of my life:
1) I was born;
2) Boney M released this single!

 Sure, Harry Belafonte gave it a good go with his original 1956 version; but when you give Boney M a listen you quickly realize the difference.  Boney M does not take it up a notch, not two... no, they drop a bomb on the song and reinvent it with power, attitude, and coolness in excess of recommended safety guidelines.

 As my dear wife is fond of pointing out, according to the immutable laws of the physical universe (I added that part), it is impossible for the Boney M hit to be playing and Tyler not to be dancing... IMPOSSIBLE I say (at the very least pumping his fists in the air to the beat and singing along with a giant grin on his face).



This song has major lyrical power - not only is the Christmas story presented, but the theological implications of that event are also given:

"and man will live for evermore because of Christmas Day"

"there is hope for all to find peace"

And then there is the amazing ''Oh My Lord' part at the end:

Oh my Lord
you send your son to save us
oh my Lord
your very self you gave us
oh my Lord
that sin may not enslave us
and love may reign once more.

Oh my Lord
when in the crib they found him
oh my lord
a golden halo crowned him
oh my Lord
they gathered all around him
to see him and adore.

Oh my Lord
with the child's adoration
oh my Lord
there came great jubilation
oh my Lord
and full of admiration
they realized what they had (until the sun falls from the sky)

Oh my Lord (well praise the Lord)
they had just begun to doubt you
oh my Lord (he is the truth forever)
what did they know about you.

Oh my Lord (so praise the Lord)
but they were lost without you
they needed you so bad (his light is shining on us)

I ask you... can you find me better lyrics for presenting reality of Christmas?  Nope, this pop song has it all right in there.

And then there's the music video for this song... well, don't even get me started on it.

Sufficed to say, I stand behind song number three.  Enjoy.




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Songs of Christmas: #5 & 4

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#5 John & Yoko w/ The Plastic Ono Band, "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" (1971)

 Is this a Vietnam protest song or a Christmas song?  Well, it was a protest song... now it's a Christmas song.  Look at these lyrics and tell me it isn't a true Christmas (well maybe Xmas) song:

And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

You know, now that I think about it, perhaps this is more an Advent song.  John and Yoko (along with their Plastic Ono Band and the Harlem Community Choir) wish us a Merry/Happy Xmas; but they also prompt us to some reflection on what Christmas is about.  What is Christmas for the 'weak and the poor ones'?  What does Christmas have to say to the black and white ones, the yellow and red ones, all the various people who continue to fight?  Advent is a time of reflection on the state of the world, the state of ourselves; it is a time of reflection on the coming Messiah.  We are reminded of humanity's need for Him and our need for Him.  We are asked to contemplate our own role in the world, in the lives of those around us.  John and Yoko throw the question right in our faces here:

And so this is Xmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun

Whatever you think of this song, it is indefinably ingrained in our Christmas psyche.  It is here to stay.  And I like it!  This Christmas time (or perhaps this Advent) take a moment to consider these things.  Take a moment to ask yourself: 'what have we done'?


#4 The Barenaked Ladies w/ Sarah McLachlan, "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings" (2004)

To be honest, I'm actually surprised that this one didn't rank higher.  This is probably the only Christmas song that I listen to year round.  Seriously, I even put it on a mixed CD that made for my wife to keep in her car.  The Barenaked ladies are so much fun.  Combine their energy with Sarah's beautiful vocals... a winner is born.

I don't think I had ever really listened to either of these songs prior to hearing this recording.  Now, I sing it all the time.

I haven't yet heard the rest of the album but I can only imagine what a Barenaked holiday would be like - fun.

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