No one ever told me how to be a man. I didn’t have the example of a father to emulate – at least not for the majority of the time that comprises my remembrances. I didn’t read books on the subject (Seven Simple Man Principles, Forty Days of Manhood, etc). Yet, somehow I find that I am a man. What is it that comprises manhood? Merely having a receding hairline or an enlarging waistline does not make a man. Being referred to as ‘sir’ by the nineteen year old girl behind the counter at the beer store does not make the grade either. Though age is not enough to make one a man, somewhere along my three decade long journey I did become one.
Men are boys who have grown up. They accept responsibility, act according to what is right, and treat others with respect. They know who they are and what is required of them in this life. They have gained some added perspective on life – at least enough to seek to live as described above.
When the time came upon me to join the specialized class of brave men and become a husband I earnestly sought out wisdom on the path that lay before me. No, I didn’t run out and get the latest books on marriage or being a husband. I contemplated the nature of love and life. I dialogued with those who had great insights on the human soul and on divine love. Though I knew very little about the practical aspects of marriage, it was not the answers to such things that I yearned for (I knew these would come with time if I had a heart disposed towards humility, gratitude, and love). It would be arrogant of me to suggest that I have it figured out (with a whole year of marriage under my belt); it would also be naïve and false (so I won’t). But at this stage in the game, I feel as if I am headed in the right direction. By the grace of God and the patience of my wife I am learning and growing in my role as a husband. I now find my thoughts often drifting off to this (at least for me right now) abstract concept of fatherhood. One day, Lord willing, this will no longer be an abstract concept, but will instead be a tangible reality (gasp!). I wonder, what will fatherhood be like? What will be required of me as a father? How will my role as a husband change? How do we, i.e. my wife and I, go about raising a well-adjusted and self-aware human being who knows how to give and receive love? I have many questions.
Perhaps the best example of fatherhood that I have at the current time is that of my older brother. I have valued the privilege of observing him as he interacts with his daughter: he’s a great father and I look forward to seeking his advice on fatherhood when the time comes. I admittedly have little experience with the younger folk and it is intimidating to think of caring for one full time. I do take solace in knowing that I have a wonderful woman to team with when it comes. But that in itself brings other questions.
I’ve often thought that the father is placed in a strange (or estranged) place, both biologically and socially. A man can become a father with out even being present at the beginning. Given the survival time of sperm, conception of my child could easily take place when I am not around. I am blessed with the ability to participate in procreation but I may not even be present when the new life begins. Come on Tyler (you may be thinking), get a grip… you’re making a big deal out of a biological technicality (and you may be correct). At the birth itself, I wonder, what role will there be for me to play? My dear wife will have a set task before her, but how will I fit into the events? Will the role of observant be my calling? It does seem as though, at least in the early days/weeks, the husband’s role is primarily supportive. It all seems somewhat removed. Maybe it feels different when it is your child and your wife whom you are supporting. I’m sure I will quite enjoy playing that supportive role as my wife cares for, and bonds with, our child. It does seem a beautiful and magical thing, the mother/child relationship.
When the time comes, I suppose that what will be required of me will not differ greatly from what is currently required of me. Maybe it is best not to think of life’s different ‘stages’ as static, separate places; but instead I ought to conceive of them as dynamic and connected points of being along the road of life. Just as humility, gratitude, and love are required of me as a husband, they will also be as a father. I suppose that if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I already know the answer. The specific details will change, but at its essence what is required of me I already know: be a man.
Have you read Macbeth recently? The whole thing is about manhood and what it means to be a man. Good stuff.
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